May 302017
 

Until 2014, the Eurovision Song Contest wasn’t something I was inclined to watch, other than checking in towards the very end to see how the UK was doing. However, in 2014 I happened to be at a loose end on the evening the contest took place, so I decided to watch it, and comment on Twitter as I did so – with plenty of cider handy.

I enjoyed doing that so much that I’ve repeated the exercise each year since – and this year, I’ve decided to pull my comments off Twitter and copy them here.

I could probably have written some code to do this, but instead I copied the tweets manually the day after the show, adding the links etc over the last couple of days, before finally publishing today. It’s very likely that I will have messed up a link or three (particularly those to the tweets themselves) – so apologies if I have.

All typos, spelling mistakes, questionable grammar, and any other mistakes were probably made on the night in question, with the assistance of what I was drinking. 🙂

I’ve broken the list down into sections, with subtitled as necessary for which act, etc, was performing, and dropped in a link to each act’s performance on YouTube, as well as some additional pictures, commentary or explanation where it’s likely to help. And in one or two cases, I’ll link to specific parts of the full contest on YouTube. The one change I’ve made to the tweets themselves is to take out the ‘#eurovision’ tag, unless it formed part of a sentence or was needed for the tweet to make sense.

So, onto the tweets!

In the run up
  • 7:45pm – I’ve stocked up on cider/snacks (though I’ve slightly depleted both already tonight) and will again be tweeting silliness during #eurovision
  • 7:48pm – This time I’ll make a point of grabbing my #eurovision tweets at some point tomorrow and throwing them up on misc.vinceh.com
Opening ceremony
  • 8:02pm – This year’s #eurovision theme is apparently celebrate diversity. I think Diversity is a naff band, isn’t it? Don’t think I like them.
  • 8:03pm – The stage looks familiar
  • 8:03pm – The structure above it
The Eurovision Song Contest 2017 stage design

The Eurovision Song Contest 2017 stage design

  • 8:05pm – give me a longer view of the stage you buggers
  • 8:06pm – Or I could just pause it at the right moment and forward through this bit after!
  • 8:07pm – Got it! Just before they introduced germany – quick pause and step back… and I’ve worked it out…
  • 8:08pm – This year’s #eurovision stage design is based on the USS Voyager
The USS Voyager - taken from an episode of Star Trek Voyager

The USS Voyager – taken from an episode of Star Trek Voyager

Israel

IMRI – “I Feel Alive”

  • 8:13pm – Where’s the rest of the boy band?
  • 8:13pm – And for that matter, where’s the rest of his clothes?
  • 8:13pm – At least put a shirt on over that vest, dude – you’re performing in front of how many people?
Israel's entrant needs a shirt

Israel’s entrant needs a shirt

  • 8:14pm – That special effect on the screen of him breaking to pieces? Shouldn’t be a special effect
  • 8:14pm – Dunk him in liquid nitrogen, then do it for real.
No liquid nitrogen was harmed during the making of this special effect

No liquid nitrogen was harmed during the making of this special effect

  • 8:15pm – The light show became an explosion of colour and effects – to distract from the boy-band-esque pap?
Poland

Kasia Moś – “Flashlight”

  • 8:16pm – Wait, what? Her brother fiddling with her?
    (That was a reference to something I think I heard Graham Norton say during the introduction to this entry.)
  • 8:17pm – Another one who hasn’t finished getting dressed. Should she have a proper skirt outside the see through one?
  • 8:18pm – Norton meant bro would be playing the fiddle. That makes more sense. My mind blanked an entire instrument.
  • 8:19pm – Yup!
    …in reply to Ben Avison at 8:18pm – Of course #Brexit will demolish the UK’s chances at #Eurovision this year (+ foreseeable future) despite bookies’ patriotic odds
Belarus

Naviband – “Story of My Life”

  • 8:20pm – This pair look like they’ll be fun
  • 8:21pm – Is it just me or does it sound like they’re singing in Welsh?
  • 8:21pm – Boyo
  • 8:21pm – Belarus, a small mining town on the edge of the Brecon Beacons.
  • 8:22pm – #eurovion I’ve probably popped in a cafe there on my way back from the hills for a walk
  • 8:22pm – Oops – hashtag typ #eurovision I’ve probably popped in a cafe there on my way back from the hills for a walk
  • 8:22pm – I’m not that tipsy yet, promise!
  • 8:23pm – Those costumes are unsuitable for the mines
Austria

Nathan Trent – “Running on Air”

  • 8:24pm – Isn’t it about time Austria resurrected Mozart for this contest? Zombie performer FTW!
  • 8:24pm – Sitting down on the job.
Take a seat, why don't you?

Take a seat, why don’t you?

  • 8:24pm – Lazy git
  • 8:25pm – Now he’s standing on the furniture with his shows on. Does he do that at home?
I bet his mum won't let him do that at home

I bet his mum won’t let him do that at home

  • 8:25pm – No respect.
  • 8:26pm – When he was standing on/in the chair, I suppose that made him the man in the moon
  • 8:26pm – Which explains the cheesiness of the song
  • 8:27pm – Someone push him down.
Armenia

Artsvik – “Fly With Me”

  • 8:27pm – I think I say something like this every year, but as a RISC OS user, #ARM FTW!
  • 8:28pm – Those braids at the front of her hair are weird
Braids at the front - but no fringe at the back

Braids at the front – but no fringe at the back

  • 8:28pm – Might be a current trend or something, but I’ve never seen it before.
  • 8:29pm – I’m a dedicated ignorer of fashion
  • 8:29pm – I like this
  • 8:31pm – I can’t stop seeing USS Voyager in the stage design now
  • 8:31pm – I said #arm ftw as a joke before – but seriously, I liked that. If it won, it’d deserve it.
Netherlands

OG3NE – “Lights and Shadows”

  • 8:32pm – “Lights and Shadows” ? Is this a song about Babylon 5?
  • 8:32pm – Wibblewooshfandango Eurovision is a three edged sword wibblywobblyfizzpop
  • 8:32pm – This year’s Babylon 5 entry is performed by Elizabeth Lockley, Susan Ivanova, and Talia Winters
  • 8:33pm – Where’s Lyta Alexander? I always liked Lyta.
  • 8:33pm – Especially when she went all black eyed
Pat Tallman as Lyta Alexander in Babylon 5

Pat Tallman as Lyta Alexander in Babylon 5

  • 8:33pm – Best bit ever? When she whispered “Pain!” to a security guard and he keeled over. Gotta love a woman who can do that!
    (Before publishing this, I took a quick look on YouTube in the hope that clip would be available but, unfortunately, I couldn’t find it.)
  • 8:34pm – Uber powerful red headed teep with dodgy allegiances FTW!
  • 8:34pm – This bunch? Not so much.
Interlude / Break

Interlude at 35:21 into the Contest

  • 8:36pm – Sorry, which entry is this?
  • 8:36pm – Is his name really Vulva?
Moldova

Sunstroke Project – “Hey Mamma”

  • 8:37pm – Is it just me or is this similar to the Israel one at the start?
  • 8:38pm – another boy band – but this time with the rest of the band
  • 8:38pm – Has anyone told them the Hokey Cokey is about more than just the right leg?
  • 8:38pm – You put the right leg in… and then the right leg… and then the right leg… I’m sure there’s more.
  • 8:39pm – OTT Saxaphone guy FTW!
  • 8:39pm – was he trying to moonwalk?
  • 8:40pm – This is the key^w costume change
  • 8:40pm – A bit weird, but annoyingly catchy
Hungary

Joci Pápai – “Origo”

  • 8:41pm – Norton said it’s called origo – Sung to the tune of Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again”?

Whitesnake – “Here I Go Again”
  • 8:41pm – “Origo again on my own…”
  • 8:42pm – DId that say his name’s paypal or something?
    (Close – it’s Joci Pápai)
  • 8:42pm – What’s with the jug?
He's come straight here from doing his milk round

He’s come straight here from doing his milk round

  • 8:42pm – Oh – it’s an instrument.
  • 8:42pm – I’d like to take the piss out of the lyrics, but I’ve no idea what they are.
  • 8:43pm – Something about llamas?
  • 8:43pm – Something about a samurai?
  • 8:44pm – Can we just concentrate on the violinist please?
The best part of Hungary's entry

The best part of Hungary’s entry

  • 8:44pm – The dancer looked like she banged her head on the floor.
  • 8:44pm – Hence the pained expression on her face!
The dancer from Hungary's entry

The dancer from Hungary’s entry

Italy

Francesco Gabbani – “Occidentali’s Karma”

  • 8:46pm – He’s come straight here from working at a casino.
  • 8:46pm – Hence the back of a playing card pattern behind him.
Pick a card, any card

Pick a card, any card

  • 8:46pm – What shall we do about costumes for the backing singers? Meh. Just give ’em different coloured jumpers!
Italy's backing singers

Italy’s backing singers

  • 8:47pm – This is the joint entry from Italy and Planet of the Apes.
General Ursus on stage as part of Italy's performance

General Ursus on stage as part of Italy’s performance

  • 8:47pm – That’s in Europe now as well, you know.
  • 8:47pm – They joined just after Australia.
  • 8:47pm – The Vulcans will be joining once we’ve developed a warp drive.
  • 8:48pm – And the Klingons not long after that.
  • 8:48pm – Future contests will take place in the Neutral Zone.
  • 8:48pm – It’ll all be fine until it’s assimilated by the Borg.
  • 8:49pm – Bit far for the contestants to go to get to the Delta Quadrant though if anyone there wins.
Denmark

Anja – “Where I Am”

  • 8:50pm – What? Laying down by a llama?
  • 8:51pm – Worked it out. it was laying down my armour!
  • 8:51pm – That does make more sense.
  • 8:51pm – Though there might be perfectly good reasons to lay down by a llama.
  • 8:52pm – Protection from the wind, perhaps?
  • 8:52pm – Could be a bit whiffy though.
  • 8:52pm – You know where I am – just follow your nose to the smelly llama
Portugal

Salvador Sobral – “Amar Pelos Dois”

  • 8:54pm – Portugal could only afford to rent space on the little stage.
  • 8:54pm – Blimey – didn’t see this coming
  • 8:54pm – Bjork has emigrated to Portugal
  • 8:54pm – And had a sex change.
  • 8:55pm – I preferred Bjork as a woman.
  • RT DavidGArnold 8:55pm – The love child of Dappy and Swampy
  • 8:56pm – Strangely engaging
Interlude / Break
  • 8:57pm – Kiev’s Ant and Dec
Azerbaijan

Dihaj – “Skeletons”

  • 8:58pm – Looks like they’ve raided the early 1980s for this entry. Yay!
  • 8:59pm – This is the time travelling entry from the past
  • 8:59pm – WTF? It’s called skeletons, so obviously there should be a bloke with a horse’s head.
  • 8:59pm – On a ladder
  • 8:59pm – makes perfect sense
Nothing strange about this, move along please

Nothing strange about this, move along please

  • 9:00pm – Anyone who says otherwise is clearly on drugs.
  • 9:00pm – Weird horse head dance on the ladder FTW!
  • 9:00pm – Off with his head!
  • 9:00pm – Well, the horse bit, anyway.
  • 9:01pm – Yeah! Thumbs up!
Croatia

Jacques Houdek – “My Friend”

  • 9:02pm – Looks like Croatia have entered a young version of Meatloaf this year.
  • 9:03pm – A slightly camp, young version of Meatloaf.
  • 9:03pm – WTF!?
  • 9:04pm – WT actual F!?
  • 9:04pm – The tree on that mountain makes me think of the special tree in Shannara Chronicles
Croatia has its very own Ellcrys

Croatia has its very own Ellcrys

The, er, 'real' Ellcrys - grabbed from TheShannaraChronicles.net

The, er, ‘real’ Ellcrys – grabbed from TheShannaraChronicles.net

  • 9:04pm – That was a bit rubbish, too.
  • 9:05pm – Though violin and cello bits in the middle were good
  • 9:05pm – Ths is Croatia’s schizophrenic entry
Australia

Asaiah – “Don’t Come Easy”

  • 9:06pm – Called “Don’t come easy” – well, it is a long way.
  • 9:06pm – Italy’s gorilla had to travel through time as well, though. That’s harder
  • 9:06pm – Epic eyebrows.
Isaiah and his epic eyebrows

Isaiah and his epic eyebrows

  • 9:07pm – He must be Ming the Merciless’s long lost son.
Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow)

Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow)

  • 9:07pm – SO this must be the entry from Mongo
  • 9:07pm – Not sure when they joined Europe
  • 9:08pm – Probably just after we voted to leave the EU
  • 9:08pm – JUst when it gets interesting, we get out
  • 9:08pm – Has to be said – Yeuck
  • 9:09pm – What’s his name? Isiah, or something?
  • 9:09pm – He’s pronouncing ‘easy’ in a funny way. Perhaps it should be “don’t come isiah”?
  • 9:09pm – DOn’t call us, we’ll call you. (We won’t, but nobody tell him)
  • 9:10pm – Hey, Australia – please take him back. ASAP!
Interlude / Break
  • 9:12pm – Ant and Dec are back
Greece

Demy – “This is Love”

  • 9:13pm – THis is called ‘This is Love’ – an old Numan single from mid-1980s

Gary Numan – “This is Love”
  • 9:14pm – Couldn’t be more different from the Numan song, though. I’ll stick with his song.
  • 9:14pm – No, not “reaching out for the stars” but “this is pain disguised as a dream”
  • 9:14pm – Although in this case, it’s pain disguised as music
  • 9:15pm – I hope those two didn’t have to rehearse that too much in actual water.
There were supposed to be pole dancers, but someone misheard

There were supposed to be pole dancers, but someone misheard

  • 9:15pm – Poor buggers would have ended up with trenchfoot
Spain

Manel Navarro – “Do it For Your Lover”

  • 9:16pm – DOn’t just reach out for the stars – go to them.
    And don’t come back.
  • 9:16pm – There’s a starship right above you.
  • 9:17pm – Judging by the backdrop, this is the entry from the ISS.
If Tim Peake was still on the station, this might have been the UK entry

If Tim Peake was still on the station, this might have been the UK entry

  • 9:17pm – Being performed live from the station
  • 9:18pm – There’s a couple shagging in that camper van.
It's bouncing from side to side - only one possible explanation for that!

It’s bouncing from side to side – only one possible explanation for that!

  • 9:19pm – This is the #esp entry – but Babylon 5 has already been on on and Lyta wasn’t there.
  • 9:19pm – Occurs to me there’s no projection for the live audience of the stage floor that I’ve noticed
  • 9:19pm – So the floor graphics are completely lost on them.
  • 9:20pm – Straightforward enough song. Cheesy but catchy. Not my cup of tea though
  • 9:20pm – I’m not sure what sort of pop music is considered good these days.
  • 9:20pm – Only station I ever listen to is ClassifFM unless I lose reception.
Norway

JOWST – “Grab the Moment”

  • 9:21pm – This looks like Discworld’s entry
  • 9:21pm – the musician’s are Death’s apprentices
I AM NOW IN A BAND

I AM NOW IN A BAND

  • 9:22pm – the one with the light-up mask is Mort.
ON KEYBOARDS AND GUITAR - MY ASSISTANT, MORT

ON KEYBOARDS AND GUITAR – MY ASSISTANT, MORT

  • 9:22pm – Either that or he’s a cylon.
  • 9:22pm – from the original BSG, obviously.
A Cylon from BSG of old - I forgot about the, er, 'mohican' on top, though

A Cylon from BSG of old – I forgot about the, er, ‘mohican’ on top, though

  • 9:22pm – Nothing against the remake – loved it – but that’s an original series Cylon.
  • 9:23pm – I’m seeing a lot of science fiction references this year.
  • 9:23pm – Or I’m making a lot.
  • 9:23pm – Assisted by a liberal helping of cider.
  • 9:23pm – Thatchers this year. Think it was Strongbow last.
  • 9:24pm – Quite liked that.
Interlude / break

Interlude at 1:24:39 into the Contest

  • 9:26pm – Speaking of James Bond (Kiev’s Dec juist did) – I haven’t heard any wannabe Bond themes yet
  • 9:26pm – THough this guy is dressed like a wannabe Bond
  • 9:27pm – Bear Grylls crossed with Gino De Campo, and dressed like Bond
Bear Grylls + Gino D'acampo = Måns Zelmerlöw? Well, probably not, to be honest.

Bear Grylls + Gino D’acampo = Måns Zelmerlöw? Well, probably not, to be honest.

  • 9:28pm – MI6 training is nothing like this
United Kingdom

Lucie Jones – “Never Give Up on You”

  • 9:29pm – Us now. The country that deserves a big fat zero for voting ourselves out of the EU
  • 9:29pm – We might not get zero, though. Perhaps will get something from 48% of the countries that vote.
  • 9:29pm – They bought the jacket off Martin Fry from ABC and turned it into her dress.

ABC – “Poison Arrow”
  • 9:29pm – Had to use second hand to keep costs down because of the value of sterling
  • 9:30pm – We only have ourselves to blame.
  • 9:30pm – Well, 52% of us only have ourselves to blame. The other 48% can blame the 52%.
  • 9:30pm – But I really don’t fancy our chances this year!
    …retweeted a reply from Andrew Conroy 9:34pm – If they really hate us, they’ll let us win then we’ll have to stump up the money to host it next year!
  • 9:30pm – Regardless of the quality of the song.
  • 9:31pm – Kind of feel sorry for her , really.
  • 9:32pm – DOesn’t seem too terrible – We should have put something truly crap in this year.
  • 9:32pm – At least then the crap result we get would reflect the song.
  • 9:32pm – And that’s definitely Voyager.
Cyprus

Hovig – “Gravity”

  • 9:33pm – Gravity sucks. Will this song?
  • 9:33pm – Another one-man boy band?
  • 9:34pm – He walked that straight line with no problem, so he hasn’t been drinking. Good.
Honeshtly offisher, I'm not drunk - shee, I can walk in a shtraight line! (hic!)

Honeshtly offisher, I’m not drunk – shee, I can walk in a shtraight line! (hic!)

  • 9:34pm – Have to admit, I might have struggled a bit. 8)
  • 9:34pm – They’re about to do the kick at the end of Karate Kid.
The Cyprus entry preparing to win the All Valley Karate Championship

The Cyprus entry preparing to win the All Valley Karate Championship

 

  • 9:34pm – The Crane, that was it!
Ralph Macchio as Daniel LaRusso, preparing to do 'the Crane' in The Karate Kid (1984)

Ralph Macchio as Daniel LaRusso, preparing to do ‘the Crane’ in The Karate Kid (1984)

  • 9:35pm – Gravity is so strong, it’s pulled his socks right down into his shoes.
Sock it to 'em, dude

Sock it to ’em, dude

  • 9:36pm – Just cottoned on – the lines represent tightropes or something.
  • 9:36pm – Didn’t have the guts to set up an actual tightrope on stage and get him to sing and dance from that.
  • 9:36pm – Not at all bad that.
Romania

Ilinca ft. Alex Florea – Yodel It!

  • 9:37pm – Rap and yodelling? Gimmicky entry then
  • 9:38pm – Nothing wrong with gimmicky songs though. Rich history…
  • 9:38pm – Yup. Gimmick. Rapping and yodelling. Why not?
  • 9:38pm – Please make it stop
  • 9:39pm – SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
  • 9:39pm – Someone get them to go through that wormhole behind them.
WORMHOLE!

WORMHOLE!

  • 9:39pm – or just fire those cannons at them.
  • 9:40pm – I’d suggest turning them into human cannonballs, but the cannons don’t look big enough.
  • 9:40pm – They need to be big enough to fire them off world.
  • 9:40pm – Powerful enough to reach escape velocity
  • 9:40pm – Thank fuck that’s over!
Germany

Levina – “Perfect Life”

  • 9:42pm – Hmm.. stage floor graphics, lost on the audience if no big screen?
View from above

View from above

  • 9:42pm – And I don’t think I’ve seen one (other than what they’re using for background graphcis)
  • 9:42pm – That skirt reminds me – it’s about time I closed the curtains.
  • 9:42pm – They forgot to put a proper back on her top
  • 9:43pm – Another cost saving exercise. Less material used = cheaper.
  • 9:43pm – Missed a trick though – they should have shaved her head. No need for a hairstylist then.
  • 9:43pm – USS Voyager now makes sense – this must be Seven of Nine representing Germany.
  • 9:44pm – Good entry from Germany
Ukraine

O. Torvald – “Time”

  • 9:47pm – It’s coming up, it’s coming up, it’s coming up… it’s dare”
  • 9:47pm – First thing that came to mind when I saw that head in the background – Gorillaz

Gorillaz – “Dare”
  • 9:47pm – More cost saving – no sleeves
  • 9:47pm – THough possibly not needed with the tattoo sleeves
Ray Bradbury's 'The Illustrated Man' he is not

Ray Bradbury’s ‘The Illustrated Man’ he is not

  • 9:48pm – I once told someone I had a tattoo on my knee. A life size tattoo of a knee.
  • 9:48pm – Yes, I was slightly drunk, and yes, it was a bizzare attempt to pull.
  • 9:48pm – This is almost verging on something I could really like – but not quite getting there. It’s wrong trying to be right
  • 9:49pm – Sort of like Take That (Wrong) trying to cover an Iron Maiden song (right) – doesn’t work
  • 9:49pm – and what IS with the head? Is it supposed to be the giant robot from the Day the earth stood still?
The robot from The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) - which at eight foot tall wasn't actually a giant after all. Memory, huh?

The robot from The Day the Earth Stood Still (1951) – which at eight foot tall wasn’t actually a giant after all. Memory, huh?

  • 9:49pm – Well just the head, obviously.
Belgium

Blanche – “City Lights”

  • 9:51pm – She looks terrified
  • 9:52pm – IF she is, kudos to her for being able to perform
  • 9:52pm – Were the gaphics team playing styx just now?
Belgium's background is a game of Styx - on steroids

Belgium’s background is a game of Styx – on steroids

Styx game - image taken from myabandonware.com

Styx game – image taken from myabandonware.com

  • 9:52pm – Graphics aside, no real gimmicks to distract – just stand in the middle of the stage and sing. Bonus points.
  • 9:53pm – And bonus points to her for being able to perform if she’s as scared as she looks
  • 9:53pm – And more bonus points because I liked that
Sweden

Robin Bengtsson – “I Can’t Go On”

  • 9:55pm – He’s not on stage and singing “I can’t go on” – that could be a problem!
  • 9:56pm – That last girl was terrified and she went on
  • 9:56pm – He’s finally plucked up the courage. I think he was faking it.
  • 9:56pm – Good use of treadmills, there. ALways good to see treadmills used properly in musical performances.
Treadmills supplied by Ikea (do Ikea sell treadmills?)

Treadmills supplied by Ikea (do Ikea sell treadmills?)

  • 9:57pm – Not enough bands do that.
  • 9:57pm – Lead singer’s obviously a fitness freak – that’s the real reason for the treadmills
  • 9:57pm – Didn’t want to give up his daily exercise schedule for the contest.
  • 9:58pm – Ah – or maybe it’s because they wanted to do the moonwalk, but couldn’t master it.
  • 9:58pm – In which case – CHEATING GITS!
Bulgaria

Kristian Kostov – “Beautiful Mess”

  • 9:59pm – He’s up WAAAAAAY past his bedtime
  • 10:00pm – But I suppose it’s a special occasion
  • 10:00pm – And not a schoolnight
  • 10:00pm – Those screens around him need to be tuned in properly
I guess they requested plasma displays

I guess they requested plasma displays

  • 10:00pm – Eurovision’s on BBC1 – put that on
  • 10:01pm – This is actually the second UK entry – he lives on Wimbledon Common, and he’s a great uncle.
  • 10:01pm – I expect he makes good use of the things everyday folk leave behind.
  • 10:01pm – The things people leave behind = a mess
  • 10:01pm – Hence the song title “beautiful mess”
  • 10:01pm – See? It all makes perfect sense.
  • 10:02pm – And that’s definitely USS Voyager they’ve used for the stage set.
  • 10:02pm – I really can’t stop seeing it as that now.
  • 10:04pm – Definitely Voyager
France

Alma – “Requiem”

  • 10:04pm – Graphics are making me think of Dark City.
Well, that's one way to move house!

Well, that’s one way to move house!

  • 10:04pm – When the city changes. Tuning?
Time for another tune up

Time for another tune up

  • 10:05pm – She therefore needs some ‘strangers’ on stage
  • 10:05pm – Ah – this isn’t really France – it’s the UK’s third entry.
  • 10:06pm – We’ve had are main one, then Wimbledon Common – now Blackpool
That well known Parisian landmark - Blackpool Tower!

That well known Parisian landmark – Blackpool Tower!

  • 10:06pm – Even a lass from Lancashire can learn to speak (and sing) in French.
  • 10:06pm – In fact, perhaps the whole thing is one big con.
  • 10:06pm – The truth is the whole of Eurovision is really just a UK thing.
  • 10:06pm – They’re all from this country, pretending to be from all over Europe.
Interlude between performances and score-giving

Interlude at 2:06:50 into the Contest

  • 10:07pm – Oh – that was the last one
  • 10:07pm – That went surprisingly quickly
  • 10:08pm – WTF is this?
This, apparently, is Verka Serduchka - Ukraine's 2007 entry

This, apparently, is Verka Serduchka – Ukraine’s 2007 entry

  • RT Holger Palmroth 10:09pm – I bet she has Wifi.
  • 10:10pm – There were too many strong entries this year – only a few I could properly take the piss out of.
  • 10:10pm – Though I did try. 🙂
  • 10:13pm – I suppose if I nab my tweets tomorrow and throw them on misc.vinceh.com I’m going to have to add some images
  • 10:14pm – Otherwise some of what I said may not make much sense when looked at in future
  • 10:15pm – I think I want Belgium to win just because of how scared that girl seemed to be. She deserves to do well if she was that scared
  • 10:16pm – Wait, what? DId he mention zombies?
    (I’m pretty sure I heard Graham Norton say something about zombies at this point, but I can’t be 100% certain!)
  • 10:17pm – Chainmail costume? If that’s a zombie defence, it needs to cover arms and legs as well.
Ruslana Lyžyčko - Ukraine's 2004 winning entrant

Ruslana Lyžyčko – Ukraine’s 2004 winning entrant

  • 10:18pm – Where are the zombies? I was promised zombies!
    (I think)
  • 10:18pm – Or did I mishear Norton?
  • 10:19pm – Kudos to the makers of Star Trek for donating the USS Voyager frame.
  • 10:21pm – I think I’ve done well at not making too many typos tonight. Despite the cider.
    (On rereading these tweets in order to put this post together, however, I can see a lot more than I thought I’d made on the night!)
  • 10:24pm – I actually have work to get done tomorrow, so perhaps archiving these tweets on my website will have to wait if I’m to add pics
  • 10:24pm – I’ll do the quick bit – grab the tweets – and save them into a draft post, and add pictures/publish later in the week.
  • 10:25pm – Why is she wearing a tent?
Onuka's lead singer, playing a flute - and wearing a tent

Onuka’s lead singer, playing a flute – and wearing a tent

  • 10:25pm – COstumes inspired by Hazel O’Connor
Onuka's costumes looked familiar

Onuka’s costumes looked familiar

  • 10:26pm – On the eighth day… etc

Hazel O’Connor – “Eighth Day”
  • 10:27pm – Actually, no, Star Wars stormtroopers
Stormtroopers in Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)

Stormtroopers in Star Wars: A New Hope (1977)

  • 10:29pm – Is the guy in black supposed to be a samurai?
Onuka's samurai

Onuka’s samurai

  • 10:29pm – Last time I saw hats like that, monkeys were wearing them
Naoni Orchestra hat

Naoni Orchestra hat

Mister Monkey image taken from WorthPoint.com

Mister Monkey image taken from WorthPoint.com

  • 10:30pm – This is very strange, but I like it.
  • 10:31pm – I think those literally are Star Wars Storm Trooper costumes – bought from a fancy dress shop or something
  • 10:31pm – The sciencefiction is stong in this one
  • 10:32pm – I need to open MORE CIDER!
  • 10:35pm – That took a moment – I got confused about which end of he tin opener opened bottles
  • 10:35pm – This is Emperor Ming’s granddaughter
Mariam Mamadashvilli - Georgian winner of Junior Eurovision 2016

Mariam Mamadashvilli – Georgian winner of Junior Eurovision 2016

  • 10:36pm – Sorry – forgot the hashtag #eurovision This is emperor Ming’s granddaughter
  • 10:37pm – That snippet of the two on the boat thing – made me think how funny it would have been if her dress ha been caught in the fans
The Belarus entry - the potential for a costume mishap is probably why the fans weren't actually spinning!

The Belarus entry – the potential for a costume mishap is probably why the fans weren’t actually spinning!

  • 10:40pm – Snippet of Cyprus and I see a reference I missed: Could’ve commented about them doing a poor version of the Madness silly walk

Madness – “Night Boat to Cairo” (The trademark silly walk is only a few seconds in!)
  • 10:41pm – Have Kiev’s Ant and Dec changed suits at some point?
  • 10:41pm – WTF
Jamala - Ukraine's 2016 winner - performs during a full moon

Jamala – Ukraine’s 2016 winner – performs during a full moon

  • 10:44pm – Why bother filming it on your phone?
People recording the performance on their phones - also, the one on the left suffers from VVS

People recording the performance on their phones – also, the one on the left suffers from VVS

  • 10:44pm – The proper footage will be on YouTube, surely?
  • 10:45pm – Which makes me think – the best way to present these tweets would be to copy the videos and overlay them. But copyright.
  • 10:46pm – Bit late now, but… when that bloke mooned the audience – was it during a bum note?
  • 10:47pm – Boom boom!
    (or bum bum!)
  • 10:48pm – Great hair, Sweden!
Sweden's score-giver

Sweden’s score-giver

  • 10:49pm – The Azerbaijan bloke was woken up to present the vote
Azerbaijan - just woken up

Azerbaijan – just woken up

  • 10:49pm – 12 points to Belarus – the small Welsh town
  • 10:50pm – Just spotted that the San Marino bloke is a cut out
San Marino cut out - it's so obvious now!

San Marino cut out – it’s so obvious now, but it seemed less so on the night. Thanks to all the cider, no doubt!

  • 10:50pm – More great hair – Latvia
The woman giving Latvia's scores

The woman giving Latvia’s scores

  • 10:51pm – Just noticed that we have some points. That’s a bonus.
  • 10:51pm – So early, too.
  • 10:54pm – WHat? Miss Universe? Do they still do that stuff?
    (The hosts mentioned the 2016 Miss Universe in reference to the woman giving Malta’s votes)
  • 10:54pm – Why don’t we get that in the UK?
  • 10:56pm – “Good evening from Denmark – where I am” – well, duh!
  • 10:56pm – “Vienna calling” – wasn’t that by the bloke that did “Rock Me Amadeus” ?
  • 10:57pm – A young Ant and Dec from Norway.
Norway's answer to Ant and Dec?

Norway’s answer to Ant and Dec?

  • 10:58pm – Norton called that presenter Vulva again. Someone please tell me I’m hearing that wrong. He’s not really called that is he?
  • 10:59pm – Hang on – Is this the German performer giving the French vote?
The woman giving the French vote

The woman giving the French vote…

...and Levina, Germany's entrant

…and Levina, Germany’s entrant

  • 11:01pm – Sex-change Bjork is doing well
  • 11:02pm – Great Uncle Bulgaria is still in the running though
  • 11:03pm – Can’t blame Dec for trying to flirt with some of the vote givers
  • 11:05pm – Nipped out – came back and… WTF? Again.
More Verka - remember, I had no idea who this was on the night!

More Verka – remember, I had no idea who this was on the night!

  • RT Andrew Poole 11:05pm – This is the “we ran out of ideas” part of the show…
  • 11:07pm – OKay, did a search – so that was previous Ukraine entrant. They have a sense of humour, then. Phew.
  • 11:08pm – No surprise that Iceland gave 12 points to sex-change Bjork. She/he was originally from there, obviosuly
  • 11:10pm – Blimey. Thanks Australia!
  • 11:13pm – The Swiss vote giver likes Diversity. I’m sure they’re naff.
  • 11:14pm – POTATOES!
    (Look, I watch Celebrity Juice, okay?)
  • 11:15pm – Good on you, Ireland, for give scared-girl 12
  • 11:16pm – The vote from Wales
    (Belarus – I’m obviously referring back to my earlier comments about it being a small Welsh town)
  • 11:16pm – That’s a strange Welsh accent
  • 11:17pm – Judging by her dress, she’s straight off to an ‘interesting’ party after giving Romania’s vote
The woman giving Romania's votes

The woman giving Romania’s votes

  • 11:19pm – Just spotted that we are in the top half. Should really be just at the top of the bottom half, to mark the 52/48%
  • 11:20pm – Katrina (and the Waves) FTW!
  • RT DIMBLEBOT 11:23pm – ACTIVATING TERRIFYING VOTE RANDOMISATION
  • 11:25pm – I worked out earlier that this is purely a UK thing masquerading as Euro-wide…the secret’s out, so why bother with accents?
  • 11:27pm – Said Austria should have resurrected Mozart
  • 11:28pm – Our 12 points in the public vote were from sympathy voters
  • 11:29pm – Just noticed that Ant and Dec are in the Mekon’s bowl thing.
Presenting the results of the public vote as Mekons

Presenting the results of the public vote as Mekons

The Mekon - lifted from dandare.org.uk

The Mekon – lifted from dandare.org.uk

  • 11:33pm – Had my fingers crossed for Belgium there. Scared girl impressed me.
  • 11:35pm – Sex change Bjork wins it, then,
  • 11:35pm – It was a weird one, but oddly enjoyable
  • 11:38pm – On the bright side, Portugal’s win reduces the UK’s travel costs next year – not as far as it could have been.
  • 11:38pm – I wanna say that I’m going to change back to a woman and call myself Bjork again.
  • 11:40pm – Good timing. My battery is almost at the point it’ll shut down.

As a final conclusion, if you refer back to my comments about where the UK should end up in the scores, at 11:19pm I suggested we should end up at the top of the bottom half of the scoreboard, to represent our 52%/48% EU referendum result. Here’s that final scoreboard:

Not the very top of the bottom half - but near enough!

Not the very top of the bottom half – but near enough!

  •  May 30, 2017
  •  Posted by at 7:48 pm
  •   Comments Off on Eurovision 2017 – as seen through cider-specs!
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VinceH